Dr. Drum, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Con...

As you know, from time to time I use the fairly massive Google footprint of this site to provide a public service to musicians that are just starting out, informing them of the various cons that are floating around, in the hopes that a search on a particular product or service will turn up some helpful information.

Today, our target is Dr. Drum, the “Digital Beat Making Software.” Even if you’re not remotely interested in this product, and there’s no reason whatsoever you should be, the video (that auto-plays when you hit the site, natch) is worth its weight in gold, for the simple fact that a generic female voice actor is given a script full of “street” vernacular, and while she enunciates most every word, she regularly drops the G for bangin’, which is hilarious.

“Who wants to mess around with all that tweaky stuff when you could be making beats to impress your gang?”

This software is, of course, a joke. Most of the language in the description is designed to trick you. For instance:

“Remember that I used to suck at mixing beats until I started using Dr Drum. Now, I create professional quality DJ tracks that make my friends jealous. You can too!”

Really? Prove it. Let’s hear these “DJ tracks” that are “professional quality.” Better yet, I’d like to hear from the jealous friends.

“You’ll have access to the same tools as the pros use, but at a fraction of the cost. We’ve got you covered! It’s so simple….”

Okay, two things here. First, these are IN NO WAY “the same tools as the pros use.” Trust me on this one. On the list of the tools pros use to “make beats,” this application would rate somewhere near Microsoft Excel. As in, it’s not. In any way, shape, or form. Period. The second thing? It’s not simple. Making good “beats” is quite difficult, and “Kanye’s producer” (who is, in fact, Kanye) had years of practice on high end kit to be able to do what he does.

“There is almost no learning curve at all. Every song you make will be a banger!”

(Emphasis theirs.) Yes, there is a learning curve. No, every song you make will not be a banger. There is no Magic Potion that can turn you in to Dre or Skrillex. (Well, maybe there is for Skrillex.) If you’re going to spend $29.95 on something to help you in the music industry, I’d suggest $20 on lottery tickets, and the other $9.95 on a pack of cigarettes and a Bic lighter. Believe me when I say the money will be far better spent that way than on this heaping shitpile of shitty bullshit.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program.