How To (Not) Make A YouTube Video...

Okay, here’s the deal. Either you’re a media professional of some sort, or you want to be one. Concurrently, you got a new piece of kit and want to show it off on the ’Tubes, to amaze your friends and amuse your enemies. So why, oh why, do you insist on doing something like this?

The days of “Fucktard Of The Week” are long gone, and I didn’t pick this video just to give the dude who made it a hard time. Rather, it embodies virtually everything nobody likes about YouTube gear demo videos in one fell swoop.

1. The Disembodied Hands. I’m guilty of this myself on occasion; sometimes it can’t be helped if you’re demonstrating a product, or making a video for eBay or something. But seriously, if there is any way you can fit an elbow or something in that frame…

2. That Boy Can Play! Jump? Blue Monday? Born Slippy? You’re fucking killing me here. This may come as a shock, but we can all play those parts. Most of us can play them right, even. Unlike you.

3. The Rarest Of The Rare. The reason for making this video is obviously the super rare blue JP-8000. Nobody ever sees one. Seriously, if you’re gonna put up a video of parts everyone can play, on a synth everyone has, at least wear a funny costume while you do it.

4. The Shit Quadrella. In short, shitty video, shitty audio, shitty performance, shitty gear. This is the very definition of a waste of bandwidth.

That video has 45,000 views. If you put all those people in one place, that place would need to be a football stadium. If you were going to play a stadium show, is this how you’d want to present yourself?

Crandall’s Golden Rules Of YouTube Videos:

1. Play something we’ve never seen before. Either gear or technique, but ideally both. That way, you’re adding to popular culture rather than taking from it.

2. Never apologize. If you plan to spend the whole video or description box telling me how your performance or gear or whatever isn’t the best you can do, why should I watch it? Go back and do the best you can do, then hit the “upload” button.

3. Ditch That Cell Phone. The shittiest camcorder currently available takes video that is an order of magnitude better than the best cell phone. And for fuck’s sake, buy a tripod, unless your BFF is a steadicam operator.

4. The Mic On Your Camera Is Fucking Useless. Record the audio of your performance anywhere but via the camera’s mic. Record in the DAW you’re using as a mixer, render, swap that shit out in iMovie.

Seriously, it’s not that hard to put up something that is at least mildly interesting, if not outright entertaining. It’s harder than recording a video on your iPhone 3GS and pressing the “Upload To YouTube” button, I’ll grant. But if you’re the sort of person that wants to do things half-assed, you wouldn’t be reading this part of the article, anyhow.