August 30, 2007

How To Not Win Friends, Part 1

by Chris Randall

Something that comes down the pipe at AD HQ quite frequently are letters from woefully misguided companies (usually magazines) that want to "partner" with us. Usually that partnership involves them spending our money. But today, I got one that takes the cake. I copied and pasted this directly from the e-mail; all emphasis, spelling errors, and grammatical tragedies are the author's:

This is Erin Lee the Marketing/Advertising Director at HM Magazine. HM is the leading Christian Hard Music Magazine and we are doing our annual Gear Special Feature. THIS IS DEFINITALY YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC and I was wondering if you would be interested in advertising with us.

Oh, dear sweet baby Jeebus. Where do I start? If it's the "leading Christian Hard Music Magazine," does that mean there are more than one? I could really go to town on this, but I'll leave it to you. Needless to say, making fun of Christians isn't really very exciting; they're so miffy that it really takes the fun out of it. I'm sure this post will engender several emails, the content of which will be "I'm Christian, and I find your latest post offensive, and could you please stop?"

I'm so fucking sick of Christians. I swear to christ. They make Diamond Dave look like good company. (And to our European readers, yes, all Americans are insane. I'll back up any statement you'd like to make in that regard.)



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Aug.31.2007 @ 7:57 PM
@ nylarch: your statement, "That's the yoga people." How come in your defense of Christianity you feel the need to put down others?


Sep.01.2007 @ 1:22 AM
I'd be more interested in a "Muslim Hard Music" magazine or even a "Scientology Hard Music." There, now I've given you a concept album to go make. Get going.

Sep.01.2007 @ 8:48 AM
Y'know, all this catholic stuff is so frickin' weird. I'm from Finland, which means I was born Lutheran, y'know, small depressing churches - as opposed to big gaudy ones. And emphasis on working hard, as opposed to fire and brimstone. So no christian magazines here... or music scene...

Aaaanyway, this just reminded me of something. Here in finland there is a webpage called - which translates to "" more or less. You go there, enter your social security number, name and address, and you're suddenly out of church. Used it myself. Because (at least here in finland) the church taxes everyone who is part of it, something like 1% or something.

Yeah, that's how uninterested I am. I left church because of money, not even because of faith.

That said, yeah, metal musicians use plenty of electronics/plugins ever since Fear Factory came along. I own personally shitload of metal with lots of electronic shit on them, and I am actually myself in a band of that type.


Sep.01.2007 @ 3:51 PM
"I'm so fucking sick of christians. I swear to christ." Would you mind if I stole that and made a few hundred bumper stickers?

Sep.01.2007 @ 4:34 PM
Chris Randall
This site and all its contents are Creative Commons. So it's physically impossible to steal from here. Just send me a couple.



Sep.04.2007 @ 10:22 AM
"Christian Rock doesn't make Christianity better - it just makes Rock and Roll worse!"

Sep.09.2007 @ 1:28 AM
@SR : I think it is pretty obvious that the "yoga people" comment was a joke.

I'm a Christian and am very sorry that so many of you seem to have had bad experiences with Christians. Like anything mainstream/big/etc. the core is often lost and distorted.


Sep.10.2007 @ 7:45 PM
@ stumble,
I actually laughed out loud. Well done.

I filled in with xtian rock band off and on for a couple years... The band was a 1 (2?) hit wonder called "All Together Separate".
Nice guys when you got past the praying.
We played the anahiem convention center in OC at some super jeezuz fest and I kept getting hit on by the 12 year olds' moms! (it should be noted I'm fugly as sin) They kept inviting me to their house for fellowship/talk about the gospel. So I actually went to this lady's house in Anaheim Hills. nice place, big fireplace. when i got there, she was trying to act like a pornstar. she literally had NO idea how to be smooth/spontaneous (she was actually playing ATS's album, thinking it would get me hot (umm, no). she was (seriously) wearing this gaudy leopard print thing/dark eye make-up... I felt so sorry for her I left.
I think her husband is a preacher on one of the jesus radio stations here in southern CA. classic.
And from what I hear, this is NOT a rare experience for jeesus rockers.

All this to say, being in a mediocre christian band can get you MORE than just soul-depleting money; it can get you an uncomfortable, depressing, pity fuck! just like being in a real rock band!


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