August 30, 2007

How To Not Win Friends, Part 1

by Chris Randall

Something that comes down the pipe at AD HQ quite frequently are letters from woefully misguided companies (usually magazines) that want to "partner" with us. Usually that partnership involves them spending our money. But today, I got one that takes the cake. I copied and pasted this directly from the e-mail; all emphasis, spelling errors, and grammatical tragedies are the author's:

This is Erin Lee the Marketing/Advertising Director at HM Magazine. HM is the leading Christian Hard Music Magazine and we are doing our annual Gear Special Feature. THIS IS DEFINITALY YOUR DEMOGRAPHIC and I was wondering if you would be interested in advertising with us.

Oh, dear sweet baby Jeebus. Where do I start? If it's the "leading Christian Hard Music Magazine," does that mean there are more than one? I could really go to town on this, but I'll leave it to you. Needless to say, making fun of Christians isn't really very exciting; they're so miffy that it really takes the fun out of it. I'm sure this post will engender several emails, the content of which will be "I'm Christian, and I find your latest post offensive, and could you please stop?"

I'm so fucking sick of Christians. I swear to christ. They make Diamond Dave look like good company. (And to our European readers, yes, all Americans are insane. I'll back up any statement you'd like to make in that regard.)



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Aug.30.2007 @ 6:12 PM
As the founder of the church of Giantology, choir/musical director of said church, and a frequent purchaser of AD products, I will say that their claim is correct. Surely a number of other customers have their own cults as well.

Aug.30.2007 @ 7:22 PM
"the leading Christian Hard Music Magazine..."

This reminds me of when a friend told me he saw an ad for "New England's premier Dokken cover band!"

"You mean, there's more than one?"

I won't even start on Christians; you don't want me going there.



Aug.30.2007 @ 8:53 PM
Why stop there? Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Zoroastrians etc... The sooner we all stop pretending to know things that are unknowable and concentrate on discovering the actual empirical truths about ourselves and our universe, the sooner humanity can evolve beyond its frightened, subservient adolescence and meet the intellectual and ethical demands of the coming technological epochs.

Oops, um, what I mean is, uh...hey everyone, who likes analog filters and tape echo? Yeah cool let's party!



Aug.30.2007 @ 9:02 PM
As one who grew up in the Protestant Evangelical tradition, I hated most of the music called "Christian." It tended to be extremely derivative, and irrelevant by several years. However, the same cannot be said for the heavy music bearing the Christian name. The speed, death, and thrash metal were excellent, as was some of the more experimental industrial music, for example, Global Wave System and Mental Destruction. The hardcore was also reputedly well-done, though I never listened to that, much.

Peers and family, some still within this tradition and others who rejected it, seem to share this view. Whatever in the water makes Evangelical mainstream and alternative rock and pop suck so sublimely, also seems to promote a severity and asceticism in the heavy music. Perhaps this is due to the sense of absolute values within the tradition--good and evil, light and darkness, sacred and profane. Metal has long courted darkness, even to the elevation of darkness to ultimate value. Those who belong to the Evangelical tradition have a special relationship to the darkness: they are taught to reject it absolutely.

I am not sure what to conclude, here. It is for me the beginning of an explanation as to the quality of Evangelical heavy music, in contrast to the insipidity of Evangelical pop and rock.

However, I am not very familiar with HM magazine, so cannot comment as to its quality.


Aug.30.2007 @ 9:39 PM
Having zero familiarity with "Christian Hard Music" or whatever it's called, I'll go out on a limb and suggest that the readers and bands in the genre might see your point about not being a target market, CR. It's not very "metal" to be dicking around with a plugin on a computer when you're supposed to be shredding or pounding the shit out of something.

Besides, everyone knows that computers are only good for stealing music and pr0n, and any good Christian, metal or not, would be wise to stay the hell away from 'em.


Aug.30.2007 @ 9:40 PM
blinkman, well said.

Aug.30.2007 @ 11:07 PM
Chris Randall
I concur. Religion: Keeping Humanity Down Since Time Began. But in attempting to keep things lite, here's a Chuck Norris joke:

In the beginning, God said "let there be light," and Chuck Norris said "what's the magic word, bitch?"



Aug.31.2007 @ 1:21 AM
Don't laught at the Christian genres of music. Many a hack who couldn't cut it in the real music buisness, 'found jeebuz', and went on to a fairly lucritive career in Christian music.

The Christians have money, and are just waiting for someone to pluck it from their pasty hands. Look at how oppulent and expensive some of those mega-churches are... Americans have a lot of money to spend on religion... LOTS OF MONEY!!! No joking!

You could probably form a 'Christian' band under an alias, phone in some rather mediocre music, and while it won't make you rich, you could easily add another 30 Gs to your income with not too much work.


Aug.31.2007 @ 2:44 AM
Chris Randall
Of course, all that would hinge on a complete and total lack of pride or moral fiber. But the concept is sound. I'm personally aware of three artists that do that very thing. I'm sure there are many more. If you have no interest in contributing to the cultural legacy of the human race, but are just in it for the money, there are worse livings. You could always be in a wedding band.



Aug.31.2007 @ 4:11 AM
I'm a Christian, and I'm not offended by your post(s). But some of the things you write will undoubtedly offend Christians, or people in general really. I believe that who you are is part of what makes the AD products shine. I'm sure there are many Christians using your plug-ins as well, regardless of how you feel about Christianity.

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