November 30, 2006

Memo To Copy Writers Everywhere...

by Chris Randall

Okay, just so everyone, but specifically the editors of Keyboard magazine and the various companies that release loop CDs, knows, it's no longer cool to substitute "ph" for "f." It hasn't been for some time now. It really wasn't that cool when it was cool, which was a span of about two weeks in 1996. Surely there's another superlative you can come up with that actually has, like, meaning and stuff?

Example 1. Seriously, guys. Just stop now. If someone held a gun to my head, I'd have a hard time coming up with a statement less burdened by meaning than the following: Phat to Phreaky is the ultimate collection of urban beats, breakdowns and fills, and comes straight from the beatboxes, drum machines and samples that you hear on today?s hottest songs.

Example 2. I'm sorry, Peter, but Phat 101? Come on. I know you work for Keyboard, but does that have to inform the curriculum that I actually read?

Example 3. Okay, guys. I'm a big fan of you and your products, but this is an intervention. It's for your own good.

I could go on and on (and on) with this, but can't we just stop the madness? From now on, every time it gets used and I see it, I'm calling a motherfucker out.



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Nov.30.2006 @ 9:24 PM
I was reading a Sweetwater catalog once, and it said you needed corner soundproofing foam product in order to make sure "your sound isn't plucked up and devowered as if by so many carrion birds". I guess the copywriter was a frusterated poet or something.

Nov.30.2006 @ 9:26 PM
Chris Randall

Now, that said, I'm sure that Front 242 is the best band name for a band that _exists_, but that'll only be true until I start my punk band, which I plan on naming "Chuck E. Jesus"



Nov.30.2006 @ 10:04 PM
penzoil washington
The Memorymoog was marketed to churches as the "Sanctuary".

Moog history is littered with godawful product names: prodigy, rogue, liberation, etc., but they've outdone themselves in recent years, I think, with Voyager, Moogerfooger, and now Lil' Phatty, GREAT as the former two lines may be.


Nov.30.2006 @ 10:37 PM
The only time I can will condone the usage of the word phat is with usage of this spoof vst:

link []">link []

..and when referring to a phat ass, cause it's better than a fat ass, but thats anutha blog!


Nov.30.2006 @ 11:55 PM
I have a list of non existant band names at home I plan to use for releasing stuff under. The only one I'll reveal right now is The Shaving Rasins. As far as dumb band names go, ya cant beat punk names like "John Couger Concentration Camp". Sometimes I buy those records just for the band name or the stupid cover picture. Oddly enough, all the best ones really are records, usually 7" eps.

Dec.01.2006 @ 3:07 AM
dan s
I don't wanna offend anyone so I can't really write my favourite band name here, but it's number 5 from top on this list:
link []">link []


Dec.01.2006 @ 9:29 AM
"I don't wanna offend anyone so I can't really write my favourite band name here, but it's number 5 from top on this list:
link []"

I don't know how providing a link to some offensive words is better than typing the words "Anal Cunt" in your original post, but, hey, if it helps you sleep at night ...


Dec.01.2006 @ 10:25 AM
* Chris, I also discourage the use of the word "phat." Hence, my headline was ironic. I am young enough and from New York enough that I qualify for the use of irony, generally failed irony that only serves to implicate me as it did here. (Quoth Charlie Brown, "don't you know sarcasm when you see it?") I was also probably drunk, or my sober state is now equally impaired.

* I submit to you that that's probably not even close to the dumbest thing I've written on CDM.

* I also don't recall using "phat", "funky", or any other terms when writing for Keyboard. I will not hesitate to blame my editors if such a term appears. At least a couple of them still have actual staff positions rather than freelancing like the rest of us, so they can stand up to being used as scapegoats. In fact, for all I know they've cracked into CDM's admin system and are putting words in my mouth.

The defense rests.


Dec.01.2006 @ 12:04 PM
LOL! nelium; it's similar to people who think that saying "A"-hole is somehow more polite or acceptable than "asshole". They don't get the idea that if they really wanted to be more polite or acceptable they shouldn't use either word; instead substitute a word with a different, acceptable meaning rather than a synonymous term.

Mind you, in dan s' defense, at least he gave the readers a choice as to wether or not they wished to clickety click see the offensive term.

On a completely different note, I'll have to add the famous "run, don't walk to your local music store to pick up gizmo X" to the list



Dec.01.2006 @ 12:18 PM
P.S. to my last post:

Even excellent, superb writers have been known to use the "run, don't walk" meme.


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