November 30, 2006

Memo To Copy Writers Everywhere...

by Chris Randall
 

Okay, just so everyone, but specifically the editors of Keyboard magazine and the various companies that release loop CDs, knows, it's no longer cool to substitute "ph" for "f." It hasn't been for some time now. It really wasn't that cool when it was cool, which was a span of about two weeks in 1996. Surely there's another superlative you can come up with that actually has, like, meaning and stuff?


Example 1. Seriously, guys. Just stop now. If someone held a gun to my head, I'd have a hard time coming up with a statement less burdened by meaning than the following: Phat to Phreaky is the ultimate collection of urban beats, breakdowns and fills, and comes straight from the beatboxes, drum machines and samples that you hear on today?s hottest songs.


Example 2. I'm sorry, Peter, but Phat 101? Come on. I know you work for Keyboard, but does that have to inform the curriculum that I actually read?


Example 3. Okay, guys. I'm a big fan of you and your products, but this is an intervention. It's for your own good.


I could go on and on (and on) with this, but can't we just stop the madness? From now on, every time it gets used and I see it, I'm calling a motherfucker out.

 
 
 

33 comments:

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Nov.30.2006 @ 5:57 PM
mitchell
Look through all my pieces I've written for Keyboard. Never have I used "phat", "phunkee", or any other white-i-fied street terminology.

That's all I'm sayin'.

mitchell

 
 

 
Nov.30.2006 @ 5:59 PM
Chris Randall
LOL.

-CR

 
 

 
Nov.30.2006 @ 6:14 PM
frugalpole
phantastic.
 
 

 
Nov.30.2006 @ 6:20 PM
Downpressor
whats next?

1447 4|||) p|-|()()11 0f 73|<||0

(BTW if you think the whiteboy hip hop catch copy is bad, browse through the white boy reggae catch copy some time. its truely cringeworthy)

 
 

 
Nov.30.2006 @ 6:43 PM
synthetic
Other forbidden words/phrases:

"It's true!"
"The possibilities are virtually limitless!"
"radio-ready/radio-quality"
"mix-quality"
"audiophile-quality"
"ruler-flat response"
"killer"
"professional"
"fully-programmable"
"studio-standard"
"hit/hits" (as in instant hit song, just buy this)
"techno" (no one but marketing people use this word)
"The ultimate/the last/holy grail"
"songs just write themselves" (OK I made that last one up, but I might have to use it just for kicks sometime..)

 
 

 
Nov.30.2006 @ 6:57 PM
corworld
That list sounded just like a sweetwater catalog.
 
 

 
Nov.30.2006 @ 7:23 PM
Dave McAnally
haha that reminds me of a funny story from 10-12 years ago or so. I walked into a music store (probably a guitar center) and I was milling around the guitars (maybe it wasn't guitar center cos there were peavey guitars). Anyhow, this is about the time the van halen guitar came out, and one of the sales guys comes up to me and is doing the usual bullshit guitar sales guy routine.

Sales Guy: "Hey man, you seen that new Peavey Wolfgang?"
Me: "Yeah, well I read the review of it in guitar world"
Sales Guy: "Oh you should check it out man _It Smokes!_" (with a total straight face)

Right after the guy said that, he points to the instore display of the model. It has the whole cardboard cutout with eddie (with that butch haircut he was donning), the cheesy stand for the guitar and the words "IT SMOKES!" written under it. There were also flames if I recall

to this day, I don't know if the sales guy was being sarcastic, or he actually just happened to choose the same phrase that was emblazoned on the display, but I'm hoping the latter cos that was the epitamy of cheesy marketing shit.

 
 

 
Nov.30.2006 @ 7:49 PM
Darren S.
Your topic just reminded me of the newish Moog.

Please Moog!!!!
Change the name of the "Lil' Phatty"!!!
Please.

 
 

 
Nov.30.2006 @ 8:42 PM
puffer
Lil Phatty indeed. All due respect to the late Mr. Moog, but I will come right out and say it, the name is awful. Sure I look forward to playing one of these, but, really, who didn't wince when they first heard that one? Mostly, this particular - what is it, cliche, marketing speak? - doesn't really phase me. (Groan.) But that is so misguided it is kinda quaint.
 
 

 
Nov.30.2006 @ 8:56 PM
mitchell
There's a certain type of music person, we'll use the codeword "old", which is just a random word I've chosen... they tend to utilize this type of terminology. And you forgot "dope" and "def". It's important that your urban vernacular is at least seven years behind what an actual urban resident might use (I'd use "homeboy", but in a strange example of circular logic, that's about seven years out of date).

It's tough... I mean, ya can't call the new Moog the "bad motherfucker" or "the nuts". We might think that was cool, but y'know, then church musicians couldn't use them (and I'm ALL broken up about that).

I'd probably just give it a number, but marketing guys don't find that very catchy (of course, I think Front 242 is coolest band name ever).

And as far as the magazine stuff, well, that's hard too, because without actually hearing stuff, it IS really hard to describe things a lot of the time without getting redundant (and repetitive, and repeating yourself... etc...).

 
 

 
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