August 11, 2006

Dear God, what hath I wrought?

by Chris Randall

I know I said I was bored with this whole Diamond Dave thing in the last post, but seriously, what the fuck else is there to do on a Friday afternoon? I just got a nice pair of missives in my inbox. First this:

guess what im all most at your house.

this joke is on you.

and we I see you had to tell the police about your jokes.

the laugh is on you hwhehehwhw

im not laughing. see you in about 3 hours its a red eyed flight. cant wait to see you.

i know everything about you.

hhhhaaahhhahhaaa not laughing

Then this:

ps on the internet there has been folks even killed.

its a shame.that's a bloody shame.

look it up if you don't believe me.

hhhhaaahhha im no game.

you might have.

this I can laugh hhhhohhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

So, I guess if I don't post tomorrow, you might want to go to the Statesman-Journal site, hit the police blotter, and see if there's something like "Local Man Inexplicably Attacked By Belizian Cyber-Ninjas!" or that ilk. Dave is no game, after all. I mean, fuck. Three hours from Belize City to Mill City? That's, like, really fucking fast. I dig that about him. He really is full of techno!

Quite frankly, it's kind of a let-down that he's sending this bullshit. I really would like to be there when he tried to explain to Barney Fife and his little buddies (I live in an extremely small town) what the purpose of his visit was. They'd be, like, "okay. Where's the meth lab?"



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Aug.11.2006 @ 9:11 PM
Adam Schabtach
Am I mistaken, or has the Diamond Dave Studios website vanished? Looks like the link on the first Diamond Dave entry on this site no longer works, and the YouTube videos seem to be gone also.

(not Adam Jay)


Aug.11.2006 @ 9:37 PM
You know, I've been trying to figure out what his "command" of the english language reminded me of, and I finally figured it out. In college I had a friend from Japan who used to write his papers in japanese and then use this little electronic japanes-to-english dictionary to tranlate them word by word. That's what Dave sounds like. Diamond Dave is a twenty something japanese hipster stuck in northern Michigan.

Aug.11.2006 @ 9:37 PM
Chris Randall
And they just keep on comin'. I've received 14 death threats from Diamond Dave now. The price of journalistic integrity and all that.



Aug.11.2006 @ 9:41 PM
Command of the English language is more like Babelfish.

Aug.11.2006 @ 9:57 PM
For all of you that STILL don't understand this fool, I went ahead and did some translation ...

guess what im all most at yo' crib.
dis here joke iz on ya.
an' we's I see ya had ta tell da po-po about yo' jokes.
da laugh iz on ya hwhehehwhw
im not laughing. see ya in about 3 hours its uh red eyed flight. cant wait ta see ya.
ah know everything about ya.
hhhhaaahhhahhaaa not laughing

ps on da internet dere has been folks even ganked.
its uh shame.dat'suh bloody shame.
peep it up if ya don' believe me.
hhhhaaahhha im nahh game.
ya might gots.
dis here I can laugh hhhhohhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh and git Sheniquah's ass back ova' heeah.


Aug.11.2006 @ 10:53 PM
Hypothetically, if I were accused of a crime, and I had to choose as my defense attorney, and the choice were between the actual Diamond Dave or the jive-speaking permutation thereof, I'd choose Jive-Dave every time. He's just got a lot more credibility, street or otherwise.

Actually, it's an interesting phenomenon that things which are recidulous when said by Diamond Dave are actually completely plausible when translated into jive.


Aug.11.2006 @ 11:28 PM
His address and phone number is in his post at this link...

link [comunidades.msn.e...]">link [comunidades.msn.e...]

Give him a call! I know he'd love to spurt the ramblings of an insane man at you!

He is now also offering to master songs for $10 a song. Bargin... Hopefully he'll run it through his "camcorder effects loop" for that "real" feel.

This guy scares me, Chris, maybe you should be freaked out?... its nut cases like this that do actually catch planes to far away places to "seek justice"


Aug.11.2006 @ 11:41 PM
this is getting to be sublime surreal, kind of like fear and loathing in cyberspace- the wrath of dave

Aug.12.2006 @ 1:11 AM
Chris Randall
I've been a professional musician for 18 years now, and a "kind of famous" one for several of those years. Believe me when I say I've run in to far, far worse. After the tenth or so threat, I wrote back and was like "so fucking what, dude. Put up or shut up." Now, I'm getting a steady stream of e-mails that all are permutations on this new theme:

"We have arrested Diamond for a net Crime.
What are your remarks this is Chief of Crime Division on Police Dept of Police.
Awaiting for your remarks "

Of course, they're coming from the same e-mail account of the same fly-by-night ISP, in the same stupid-ass tiny font, with the same misspellings and grammatical mistakes. This guy has ceased to be amusing, and begun being annoying. Soon enough, he'll become irritating, and when that happens, I'll start calling his ISP and his landlord and whoever else I can find that this guy depends on and making his already miserable life moreso.

(All that said with the full understanding that I brought this horror on myself. But I'll man up and admit that shit straight away.)



Aug.12.2006 @ 1:24 AM
Suit & Tie Guy
i'm proud of you.

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