July 11, 2006

Are you fucking kidding me?

by Chris Randall
 



Take everything you ever knew about fucktards in the music industry and just throw it out the window. This guy trumps all. The bit that cracks me up is the "up to $900,000" music tour. (Music tour?) When SMG was at its height, c. 96/97, our burn rate on the road was about $300K a month. And that was ten years ago. And we sure as FUCK didn't have any "five star" accomodations. Mostly we slept on the bus. This cat is fucking offensive. But on the bright side, he does have Internet Downloading Capabilities. Maybe he'll see this and challenge me to some mano a mano fisticuffs or something. (Thanks, bringmeup, for ruining my night.)


BUT WAIT: Check it. This fucknut has a real live website. Dear sweet baby jesus. I couldn't help but hit the photo gallery of Diamond Dave's big budget million dollar private-jet havin' studio. Remember that guy that had the "pro studio built around an i30"? That guy had pretty nice kit compared to Dave. Now, I'm not gonna begrudge someone their project studio, and in this business, perception is 9/10 of the package, but still and all, you gotta draw the line between fudging a bit and out-and-out bullshit.

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Yeah? How 'bout I give ol' Butch a call and see how he liked his Diamond Dave experience?

 
 
 

59 comments:

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Jul.11.2006 @ 10:19 PM
Chris Randall
Oh, dear sweet Christ, make it stop. I only made it as far as him getting in the jacuzzi, and I had to kill that tab right promptly.

-CR

 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 10:22 PM
pilotcp
well, i was thinking about applying to be a studio musician for him, but he DEMANDS top of the line musicians that are the best in their field...i suppose i'll just get in line after Nathen East, Alex Al and Will Lee :)
 
 

 
Jul.12.2006 @ 12:10 AM
llexam
Okay... this guy has now moved beyond fucktard, and is firmly in the creepy territory. That last youtube vid gave me the heebie-jeebies.
 
 

 
Jul.12.2006 @ 12:11 AM
ecallender
Man, I haven't had so much fun since seeing Farrah Fawcett's cameltoe live on Battle of the Network Allstars '78.
 
 

 
Jul.12.2006 @ 12:27 AM
Dave McAnally
Oh man, I gotta call this guy...the hotel promo-video (which curiously looks more like a time share than a hotel room) is over the top.

This has to be a joke

 
 

 
Jul.12.2006 @ 1:51 AM
Peppe
Well, at least he does the same amount of typos as anyone working in a studio or a record company... (which gotta prove he's in the business, no time for doublechecking, etc.) :-D Anyway, right now we need one brave and adventurous soul to tell him centered text is not exactly okay on a web page...

Anyway, if somebody figures out what's in his drinking water, tell me. Need to get some of THAT.

Ok, obviously, the guy had his 5 minutes of fame playing bass in a goth/grunge cover band in early 90's and couldn't recover. Too much bad washing powder cut coke snorted in in a backroom, one shitty tour playing other people's songs, watching people going mad during "Paranoid", watching people NOT going mad during any of his own songs, falling in love with one of the singing sluts, watching in agony while the guitarist buttfucks first his secret love (giving her multiple orgasms), then the poor bass player himself and on top of that his secret love laughs at his face turning his love down - and finally the poor bassist (a.k.a. the guy with a 5-string-pizza shovel, a.k.a. the Master Engineer) gets kicked off of the band. Then, after about 10 years of good quality ($1,50/hour) therapy this poor bass player finds The True Force Of Web Wide World?. No, World Web... no, Web World... no... huh?

All that and a Roland groove box and easily The Most Gayest Speech Sound?. Enough to become a bit confused.

(ok, nothing against gay people, the word "gay" used in that context just sounds a bit better than, you know, The Most Straightest Speech Sound?. Somehow it lacks the... kick?)

A positive side: it's wonderful how creative a delusional person can become. As long as he doesn't harm anyone else, his hobby is okay. Just one thing: there is a more-than-a-slight resemblance between him and Butch Vig, isn't there? I guess we know now what Butch does when he's not producing Garbage. ;-) It's wonderful what a touch of makeup and a good butch wig can do. :-D

 
 

 
Jul.12.2006 @ 2:32 AM
Tomer
Wow! free drinks! no charge to you...
 
 

 
Jul.12.2006 @ 6:43 AM
zander
I've stayed in nicer 2 and 3 star hotels.
 
 

 
Jul.12.2006 @ 4:47 PM
AdamJay
i looooooooove marble
 
 

 
Jul.12.2006 @ 7:00 PM
Jaysen
Correct me if i'm wrong but with all the talk on his page about being a big time studio working with this and that... i don't recall seeing any type of resume on the people or bands he/the nation of Nigeria have worked for. Didn't see any actual photos of the famed studio either.

Not sure who's worse- Diamond Dave the Master Engineer or Diamond Dave, Bluegrass Afficionado.

 
 

 
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