July 11, 2006

Are you fucking kidding me?

by Chris Randall
 



Take everything you ever knew about fucktards in the music industry and just throw it out the window. This guy trumps all. The bit that cracks me up is the "up to $900,000" music tour. (Music tour?) When SMG was at its height, c. 96/97, our burn rate on the road was about $300K a month. And that was ten years ago. And we sure as FUCK didn't have any "five star" accomodations. Mostly we slept on the bus. This cat is fucking offensive. But on the bright side, he does have Internet Downloading Capabilities. Maybe he'll see this and challenge me to some mano a mano fisticuffs or something. (Thanks, bringmeup, for ruining my night.)


BUT WAIT: Check it. This fucknut has a real live website. Dear sweet baby jesus. I couldn't help but hit the photo gallery of Diamond Dave's big budget million dollar private-jet havin' studio. Remember that guy that had the "pro studio built around an i30"? That guy had pretty nice kit compared to Dave. Now, I'm not gonna begrudge someone their project studio, and in this business, perception is 9/10 of the package, but still and all, you gotta draw the line between fudging a bit and out-and-out bullshit.

We are currently looking for partners, investors
there is no risk factor.
company is honest and truthful.


Yeah? How 'bout I give ol' Butch a call and see how he liked his Diamond Dave experience?

 
 
 

59 comments:

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Jul.11.2006 @ 9:55 AM
Adam Schabtach
I'm stunned.

--Adam

 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 10:03 AM
synthetic
"ready to record flat tracks"? "record contract if your signed"? The web site is funnier than the video. And what's with all the Butch Vig photos?
 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 10:10 AM
zander
One thing that doesn't make sense to me is-
If they're 'World Class', why on earth does he use Hotmail?
Why do the studios not have a 'real' site?
Why is that video so bad? You'd think they'd hire a professional and make it more like an advert, maybe show you around these 'World Class' studios.

Oh well...

ROCK OUT!

 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 10:14 AM
Tomer
thats because his into "Lo-Fi"..... :P
 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 10:24 AM
D' MacKinnon
What is a "flat track" and why would I want one?

Oh wait, he has private bodyguards for me though. Ya know, in case someone tries to mug me after I get off the jet.

 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 10:28 AM
penzoil washington
named himself after another fucktard icon? dead giveaway: i think whomever is the beneficiary of CR's life insurance policy faked this whole thing!
 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 10:41 AM
Dave McAnally
That has to be a joke. Albeit one that isn't funny at all unless you're in on it.

I like his picture of the diamond on the latest blog entry.

 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 10:53 AM
ecallender
Do you think he's got access to Air Montserrat?
 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 11:48 AM
neilium
The msn website, the scadillion smileyface dingbats, the pictures of rack gear swiped from Zzounds; Diamond Dave's got it all!

My favorite line is: "we got cd store. I don't do much with it."

Why even mention it, then?

 
 

 
Jul.11.2006 @ 12:50 PM
RexRhino
I don't know if it is the same guy... "Diamond Dave" is a very common nickname... but when i was working at a record company, one of the things I did was to read email (and everyone who wasn't a big-shot did rotating duty reading/screening normal mail), so I had to deal a little bit with the strange people who sent things in.

Anyway, there was a crazed stalker guy named "Diamond Dave". Apparently he spoke to one of the artists after a concert, giving a big talk about his awesome music industry abilities, and of course the artist said "that sound great, send the company your resume, they would love to hear from you"... I assume just to be polite and not diss a fan at a concert.

Anyway, apparently Diamond Dave interpreted this as a job offer. He sold everything he owned to move into a cheap hotel room not far from the record company's headquarters (he knew the P.O. address, but not the business address, thank god!). And thus began a long, entertaining ordeal with Diamond Dave sending phone messages, emails and letters alternately selling himself as a great employee we should hire... and alternately the gruesome torture, homosexual rape, and mutilation he would do to us and our families for selling him out on the job. He was especially fond of magic marker drawings of him mutilating the guys in the band. I guess he eventually ran out of money to live in a nearby motel room and eventually lost interest, but it did provide some mild entertainment, and secretly we were all fans of Diamond Dave.

The only thing that makes me think that this guy isn't the Diamond Dave was that the photos that Diamond Dave sent of himself he looked kind of like a fat old-school professional wrestler (and the Diamond Dave we dealt with fancied himself a pro-wrestler in addition to his music biz abilities). But then again, the fact that he mentioned "Belize City" is uncanny (the manager of the band would have his secretary tell Diamond Dave that he was on business in Belize City every time DD called). The "Belize City" thing seems like quite a coincidence, unless this is just some common music business joke that I am not in on!

 
 

 
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