August 10, 2005

Hey! Wanna see a trainwreck?

by Chris Randall

Well, on the one hand, you have to admire us Americans. When we're not busy spreading Freedom at the point of an M-16 or complaining about the French, we sure are a crafty bunch. We can figure out how to make money on anything.

Of course, the net result is that when we're not coming off as bullies, we're only one step away from your average Nigerian scammer. Check this site out. (And I apoligize in advance to the Internet Gods for giving this fucktard any traffic at all.) The Internet Audio Guy wants to tell you the secrets to making digital audio products to sell, because, you know, 35% of people are auditory learners.

From what I can parse out from his half-assed site, the object of the exercise is to use his Bronze Studio Package to create pyramid-scheme audio content. Now, I could just ass-rape him on that alone, but the thing that really gets my goat is the Bronze Studio Package itself. This is an Edirol UA-25 interface, an Audio Technica AT3035 mic, and a copy of the baby Sound Forge. He'll sell you this Amazing Package Of Studio-Quality Hardware And Software for $695, plus whatever shipping he decides to tack on, and won't tell you about until you've already entered your payment information. This is amazing, inasmuch as the sum total from ZZounds for the same "package" is $507.95, which is a mark-up of only $187.05.

Luckily, we live in the information age, and it's easy to put paid to morons like this with even a tiny bit of research. But, god damn, I hate these sorts of things, fat male-pattern baldness snake-oil salesmen that make their living by taking advantage of people that just want to get a leg up in the world. It's not often you see it in the audio market, but lo and behold, nothing is safe.

EDIT: I just figured out something really cool about that site. On the first page, below the fold (that's newspaper parlance for "scroll down") there are a bunch of audio testimonials in little Flash sound-playing gizmos. After you've given the page a minute or so to fully load, you can create a really cool musique concrete kind of thing by playing them all at once, and starting and stopping various pieces. I'm going to record a track of this, call it "Music Of The Spherical Heads," and copyright it. Then I'm going to sue the Internet Audio Guy for infringement.


1 comment:


Aug.10.2005 @ 10:15 PM
Whoa, hold on a second there. This is THE Internet Audio Guy you're messing with. Obviously he knows his stuff and is really helping a lot of people. He's clearly good enough for Jim Edward, of fame, not to mention David Garfinkel! David Fucking Garfinkel, the guy from! Basically a legend in the direct marketing community. Allow me to Jay Conrad Levinson, author of Guerrilla Marketing, on the subject of David Garfinkel: "The information he presents flows directly from his mind to your bank account." That's a solid acclamation. Would a guy whose information flows from his mind into your bank account buy his audio gear from just anybody? And I wouldn't be so quick to point out that very reasonable markup as unjustified. Just look at the picture of Tom Antion, in the customer testimonials section. The way he's holding his chin, you can tell that Tom's a tough customer and wouldn't just give an extra $187.05 away to someone who didn't deserve it. So, Chris, next time you feel like going on a rant about the Internet Audio Guy (he didn't get that name just by registering the domain name before anybody else, you know), do your homework.



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